City of Angels
by multicoloredpen917
Summary: They all have that case that pushes them to the breaking point. This one is hers.   i promise that kensi and deeks will be together, but it might take a while!
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: so here it is! this is my first fanfiction ever, and i'm uber nervous to hear what you have to say! I've got a lot planned for this story, but only if you like it!  
>P.s. i would really like reviews! :)<p>

Disclaimer- i dont any of these characters, just the story!

It was dark. That was the first thing she noticed when she came to. And it was cold. Slowly, painfully, Kensi began noticing other things about her situation. Her hands were tied behind her back. Her knee hurt, and so did her chest. She figured she had at least one broken rib, maybe more. But the worst pain was in her head, a throbbing pain that was driving away any attempt to think normally. After what seemed like hours, the pain in her head was dulled enough to allow a more thorough search of her surroundings. She was in a small room with no windows, and no door that she could see. There was a bucket next to her. By raising her head the tiniest bit, Kensi could see dirty water. _So they're planning to keep me alive_. Kensi didnt know whether that was good or bad. _What the hell happened to me?_ She remembered screaming, someone hitting her. Then someone holding her, telling her it was going to be ok. Kensi like that memory, liked the voice and the man that went along with it. _Deeks _she thought. She wanted to go back to that memory, but she found she couldn't. It was like she was watching a movie, and there was no remote. She saw images of violence and pain fly by faster then she could process them. A crime scene full of blood, a child crying, a car crash, and guns. Lots of guns. Disconnected memories came to her like puzzle pieces, only she didn't know what the whole picture was.

"_Where is he!" Kensi didn't know who this man was; she had never seen him before. Come to_ _think of it, she hadn't seen any of her tormentors before this night. _Lucas_ she thought. It was always Lucas's fault. She would have smiled, if it weren't for the blood running down the side of her face. "Where is he?" This next question was accompanied by another punch to the face. Kensi's head snapped back hard, and she felt more blood spurt from a new cut on her face. But she absolutely refused to give in to these men. Giving up was an option that Kensi Blye never, ever considered. Her father had taught her that. "I'm sorry; I don't know who you're talking about." The man looked down at her with a cruel, almost excited sneer on his scarred face. "Wrong answer."_

_The rooftop was peaceful in its solitude, which was exactly the way Kensi liked it. The events of the past few days were, overwhelming to say the least, and she needed a little time to decompress. Alone. But of course he found her there. He was like a master at predicting her moods, and at creating them. With just one comment he could get her angry like nobody else could, but he could just as easily calm her down too. Marty Deeks had brought her emotional walls tumbling down faster than any other man before him, faster than Jack even. And that scares the hell out of her. "Enjoying the view?" Kensi gave him a small smile. "It's not half bad!" She gestured at the glittering Los Angeles landscape spread out before them. "Makes me feel small" Deeks said. Kensi didn't answer, choosing instead to watch the cars drive by underneath her dangling feet. " Are you ok?" he asked, concern softening his electric blue eyes. She sighed. "You know, I really hate that question." Deeks didn't smile. "Seriously Kensi, this has been a lot. I know that I would be all over the place right now." Kensi looked up at him, prepared to deliver a standard I'm fine answer, but the worry showing in his face stopped her. She knew he was asking because he cared about her, and that surprised her. They locked eyes, and then Kensi did something that completely surprised her. She leaned forward and she kissed him._

Slowly, the picture began to form again, and Kensi began to remember what had brought her to this room.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note: Im really sorry, i was planning on updating Sunday but the hurricane decided to knock out my power until tomorrow, so i am at the gym desperatly typing this before my mom gets back! i also want to thank you for the nice reviews, that was really helpful for me! So heres the next chapter, i know it doesnt make much sense yet but it will, i promise!

Disclaimer- um so yeah! i dont own these characters.

"Why is it that every time you pick me up, we're always fifteen minutes late?"  
>"Maybe because you always take so long to get ready."<br>"Or maybe it's because you always insist on taking the streets instead of the freeways."  
>Kensi Blye smiled as she heard the familiar banter of her teammates, Callen and Sam. They were an unlikely pair, the ex-Navy SEAL and the undercover chameleon, but they were family to each other, and to her. Their team was like odd family, Kensi mused to herself. The team leader Hetty was obviously the mother, Callen and Sam were the brothers, and Deeks was, well, Deeks. She wasn't sure what Deeks was yet. Sometimes he annoyed her to death, and sometimes he was kind of sweet. In an annoying sort of way. And those blue eyes… Kensi was brought out of her thoughts by Callen's voice. He and Sam were still arguing as they walked up to their desks.<br>"Maybe you should drive yourself from now on."  
>"No way. Without me, you'd never make it to work."<br>Kensi laughed as Callen rolled his eyes.  
>"Trouble in paradise?" Deeks quipped, walking into the mission, coffee cup in hand.<br>"You're gonna get it now!" Kensi said. But Deeks was spared from Sam's wrath by Eric's shrill whistle.  
>"New case!" Sam was still glaring at Deeks as they all hurried upstairs.<br>"Meet Lt. Benjamen Holton. He's a highly decorated soldier with no blemishes on his military or civilian records. Never married, no kids. He was found this morning by his housekeeper." Eric paused a moment before putting a picture on the monitor. The reaction of the team was immediate. They all stood, open-mouthed at the carnage before them. Benjamen Holton had been stabbed dozens of times, all over his body. His head was lying at an unnatural angle because of a slashed throat. But what shocked Kensi the most was the blood. It was everywhere, the floors, the walls, the ceiling. Kensi knew what arterial spray looked like; she had seen it dozens of times at dozens of crime scenes. But something about this body, this murder was familiar to her. The memory seemed just out of her reach, and the harder she tried to find it the farther away it went.  
>"O.K Kensi, you and Deeks check out the, uh, crime scene. Sam and I will talk to the… the friends and family." Even Callen sounded shaken. Kensi nodded, and she and Deeks turned to leave the OPS center. Deeks looked at her. "These guys meant business." He said as they got in Kensi's car."Yeah." She answered. "But who are they?"<p>

As they pulled up to Benjamen Holton's house, Kensi noticed the beautiful flower garden in the front yard. She could almost see Benjamen leaning over his flowers, watering them in the afternoon sunlight. Now, police tape ran around the side of them, and the hollyhocks and carnations had been flattened by the patrol cops and EMTs. As she got out of the car, her stomach started churning in anticipation. _Get a hold of yourself Blye_, she thought. _It's just a crime scene. It's not like you haven't seen one of these before._ It was just that something still seemed familiar. She still felt like she was missing something…  
>"You ok?" Deeks asked her as a uniform noted their badges and let them in the front door.<br>"I'm fine." Kensi snapped. At the hurt look on Deeks's face, she sighed. She just wasn't ready to share her suspicions about the case with him yet. If this was what she thought it was… No. _There's no way it could be him._ But she was still nervous. Even the thought of him was enough to make her palms sweat, and Kensi was not a girl who scared easily. She felt her breathing quicken as they walked up the stairs toward Holton's bedroom. _The other one was killed in a bedroom too._ She noticed Deeks's worried look out of the corner of her eye, but didn't acknowledge it. Her attention was focused on the door down the hallway, the one she recognized as his bedroom from the blood-smeared door handle. _Focus Blye. It's just a body. Just a crime scene. _And she almost believed herself, until she saw the body.

_It was her 3__rd__ crime scene involving a stabbing. Some people might have though it strange that she kept count, but as a rookie CIA agent she needed all the points she could get. The man in front of her had been stabbed repeatedly, and then his throat had been slashed. _Rough day_, she thought. Suddenly a pair of strong arms circled her waist. "What came first, the chicken or the egg?" Kensi laughed, first in relief at recognizing the voice then at the joke. "You know that technically, you're my teacher?" She felt Lucas smile against her hair. "But there's no one here except the dead guy. Speaking of the dead guy…" Kensi sighed. _Yep, definitely her teacher_. She pulled away from his arms to answer. "Stab wounds came first. Each one is just deep enough to inflict pain without killing him." Lucas smiled, eyes shining."Very good Ke-" Lucas suddenly stopped, staring hard at the body. "Lucas? What's wrong?" he didn't answer, just bent down to look at a mark on the dead man's wrist. When he spoke again, the carefree tone was gone, replaced by a hard, ominous voice. "He wanted something. He's back." Confused, Kensi bent down next to him and touched his arm. "Who's back?" Lucas stared at her, but Kensi got the feeling he wasn't looking at her at all. "Omid Attar." _

"Kensi? Kensi?"  
>"What?" Kensi snapped back to the present. 'You zoned out there for a minute." Deeks said, sounding really worried. "I…I need to talk to Hetty." She turned on her heel and walked back down the hallway. She could hear Deeks calling out to her, but all she could think about was Attar. She felt her chest tighten, and as she approached her car it became difficult to breath. <em>A panic attack<em> she thought. And right on the heel of that thought was another one: _Kensi Blye does not have panic attacks_. _Breathe, just breathe._ She slowly gained enough control to start the car, but her hands were still shaking. The entire way to the Mission she worked on calming herself down, using tactics she had learned from other agents. Sing a song in your head. Count to one hundred. Think of a happy memory. But there were no happy memories in her head now.

_The man had been stabbed, his throat slashed. The brutality of the murder no longer shocked her, she had seen this M.O too many times before. But this one was different. This one was her fault._

Kensi burst into the mission, not bothering to talk to Callen and Sam who were huddled over some files. They looked up, perplexed as the junior agent practically ran to Hetty's office. "Omid Attar is back" she said without preamble. Hetty took her time removing her glasses and setting them down on her desk. "I know." "Benjamen Holton was murdered in the exa- Wait, you know? How?" Hetty sighed. "I'm very sorry about this, Ms. Blye." Kensi stared at Hetty, but before she could say anything she noticed a man standing behind her desk. She had been so preoccupied with Attar that she hadn't noticed him before. But now he stepped into the light, and she was flooded with memories that almost overwhelmed her.

_Lying in bed next to him, waking up to see the morning light play on his jaw. His arms around her as he taught her the right way to hold her gun. Holding her hand in the darkness of the car before their first undercover mission. His face when he told her he was leaving her._

"Lucas" she said.

A/N Im gonna try and update this as soon as possible, but like i said the power is being iffy! plus school starts and stuff... :(


	3. Chapter 3

A/N So hi... yes i know its been over three months since i updated.. i'm really sorry about that! This fall got so incredably busy, with high school starting and all. But anyway, id like to thank the people who reviewed! its because of you I decided to write another chapter! So, here it is!

For a second, it was like she couldn't breathe. The cause of so many sleepless nights, of getting falling- down drunk so she wouldn't have to think anymore, was standing less than five feet away from her. But the next second, Kensi took control of herself. She was a federal agent for god's sake, not some lovesick teenager. "Well if you're here it can't be good" she said to Lucas. "I could say the same thing about you" he said, in the same teasing tone she had heard a hundred times before. _Ok_, she thought, _this is good. This is easy._ Now for the real problem. "What is Attar doing back in the country, Hetty?" Before responding, Hetty snuck a quick glance at Lucas that was not lost on her. "We believe that Omid Attar is looking to start up his operation again. He entered the country a week ago-""A week? He's been here for almost a week and you didn't think it would be a good idea to tell me?" Suddenly Kensi realized that she was shouting, and the entire floor was watching her like she was crazy. Maybe she was. She certainly didn't feel like herself, losing control at a crime scene and again in front of Hetty. To her credit, Hetty didn't yell back, only looked a bit sad. "Miss Blye, of course I was going to tell you. We had to make sure of his motives." Kensi sighed, and some of the fight left. "You're right Hetty, I'm sorry, I just…" Suddenly from above them came a shout. "Guys? You are going to want to see this."

_Kensi was trying hard not to look at her new training inspector, really hard. But there was just something about Lucas Brady that invited looks. He was handsome of course, but it was his eyes that grabbed you. Kensi had always believed that you could tell a person's character by their eyes, and Lucas's were dark, intense. When he was smiling, which was rare, they lit up, and turned a different color. She decided his eyes were like little ponds, reflecting whatever emotion he was feeling. The mood in the small room was tense, because it was the first hostage negotiation exercise for the CIA trainees. Lucas Brady was considered one of the top hostage negotiation experts in the country. "Ok, so there are lots of things to remember about talking someone down, but here's the most important one: connections. A man with a gun is never going to listen to some superior federal agent talking about compromise. They're going to listen to someone who emphasizes with them, who really feels what they feel. You have to become the bad guy, in order to get the bad guy. Now, who's first?" No one volunteered. Frankly, Kensi was worried that if she got within five feet of Lucas she would lose control, and that could never happen. "No one? Well, then I'm just going to have to read from my little list here. How about Kensi Blye?" Of course. Well, might as well give it a shot, she thought as she made her way to the front. Lucas was even more intense up close. She didn't dare look at his eyes for fear that she would get sucked in and wouldn't be able to get back out. She had already been through that with Jack and she was not looking forward to a repeat. "You know Kensi, it's kind of hard to connect with someone if they won't even look at you." Some snickers from the back row. Angry now, Kensi lifted her head and stared directly at him. It was like little lasers were going off in her body. Lucas's eyes were the color of sunlight on the water, golden brown. He was laughing at her. _

_Ten minutes later, they were set up in the gym. Lucas was holding an unloaded gun to another trainee's head, and Kensi stood behind some mats designed to be shields. "Why don't you just tell me what you want? I know that you don't want to hurt anyone." Lucas looked at her, and his eyes were now the color of the ocean during a storm, black and full of fury. _How does he do that_? She wondered. _No, do not get distracted._ Lucas tightened his grip on the girl he was holding, and she gave a tiny squeak. "I want to get out of here alive! And I know the only way that's happening is with a hostage." Kensi's mind raced as she tried to figure out a way to redeem herself after the previous embarrassment. "You know that if you let her go, we won't hurt you." "How do I know you're not lying?" Lucas shouted, walking farther back. Kensi could see the other people whispering to each other. She could tell that she was about to lose control of the situation. _Alright then, _she thought. _Time for the big guns. _ "Because I know what it's like to feel trapped in a situation. You feel like everything you do to help just makes it worse, like the universe is just trying to screw with you. It makes you feel weak, like you're not really yourself, and that is the worse feeling in the world. I know what it's like, and that's why you have to trust me." Did she really just say all that? Everyone stood silent, waiting for Lucas's reaction. Slowly, almost painfully slowly, the gun came down, and then was dropped on the floor. The girl ran back to the others, but Lucas remained still, staring at Kensi. "That was very good. Now we're going to take a break, be back in ten minutes." Happy to be free of boring exercises, the kids wandered off in little groups to talk. All but Kensi, who remained by her mats. She was so busy arranging them on the floor again that she was startled to hear a voice right behind her. "You really impressed me." She jumped, dropping the mat and whipping around to see Lucas two feet away from her. His eyes were golden brown again, and he was trying hard not to smile. "Thank you" she said, sticking with the basics. That was safe. "It almost seemed like you were speaking from personal experience, about being trapped in a situation." Immediately, Kensi's guard came up. No way was she going to talk about her life with this stranger, as desirable as he might be. "Nope, I just made that up." They could both tell she was lying. "Well, I would mind hearing some of your other stories. Would you like to meet me for coffee sometime this week?" Her breath caught. The smart side of her brain was screaming stay away! The other side was, well, a little more willing. _It's just coffee_, she thought. _He doesn't mean anything by it. _When she looked up again, his eyes were the exact color of wheat. Later she would learn that that was the color his eyes would turn when he was scared. Now, they just looked hopeful. "Sure." She said. _

When Kensi and Lucas got to the OPS center, the rest of the team was already there. She paused at the door, before turning to him. "You were my former partner. That's it." He smiled a little bit, giving her that look she had always loved. The one that infuriated her and melted her at the same time. "Of course." Kensi sighed. "Let's go then." As soon as they walked through the door, everyone turned to stare, mostly at Lucas. "Hi guys, this is Special Agent Lucas Brady. He's with the CIA, and he's here to… supervise." Immediately, she could see their guards go up. _Trust me_, she mouthed silently. "Well it's nice to meet you." Callen came up to shake his hand, and Sam followed. But when Kensi went to stand by Deeks, he just stared at her. "What was that at the crime scene today? You practically ran out of there." Kensi was spared from answering by Eric, who started addressing the crowd again. "Ok, so I started going through Benjamin Holton's known associates, and found something strange." "How strange Eric?" "International drug lord strange." Everyone stood silent, wondering where Eric was going with this. Nell popped up then, and put some pictures on the moniter. "This is Martin Sanchez, leader of the Muerte lenta gang in Mexico. It has a reputation for torturing people who get in their way." "Muerte lenta. I get it, it means slow death in Spanish." Deeks remarked. "Yeah, well guess what their signature style is?" "let me guess, multiple stab wounds with a slash to the neck." Sam offered. "You got it." "Ok, so what does a decorated marine have to do with a guy like Sanchez?" Callen asked. Lucas looked over at Kensi then. "I guess we should tell them now."

Please,please,please review! :) 


	4. Chapter 4

Hi there... so by now you've figured out that i suck at updating! Im really really sorry! i totally appreciated all your reviews, and thank you kenmac for your nice messages! I promise I will try to update much faster now that I have my own computer. And now, if anyone is actually still reading this, on with the story! :)

Kensi appraised the group standing in front of her. The last thing she wanted to tell these people, her team, about all the mistakes she had made in the past. _Well it was bound to come out at some time. Might as well be now.  
><em>"Before I came to NCIS I worked for the CIA." Her team stared at her blankly.  
>"I was only there for about a year and a half, but while I was there Lucas was my instructor." She didn't miss the suspicious glance Deeks sent his way. Lucas, noticing the awkward tension filling the room, plowed ahead with the story.<br>"I was the senior agent on a murder case. The man who was killed had ties to Martin Sanchez, who we suspected had begun branching out to dealing weapons as well as drugs."  
>"That might be our connection!" Callen interjected. "Maybe Benjamin Holton was on of Sanchez's suppliers."<br>"You're right Agent Callen. The Marines killed during that case also were suspected of being suppliers to Sanchez's operation. But we could never get anything solid on them because Sanchez is a genius when it comes to covering up his tracks."  
>The team stood silent for a moment, digesting this new information. Everyone but Kensi, who was starting to panic. She had been so worried when she had applied for NCIS, because she thought this case would come up again to haunt her.<br>"So that's it? A bunch of Marines were supplying an arms dealer and now it's starting again? That doesn't seem like it warrants the CIA's attention." Deeks piped up. He had been silent through the whole story, and Kensi had practically been able to feel the tension rolling off of him. She knew they were going to have to talk later. _That's one conversation I'm not looking forward too_.  
>"Unfortunately Detective Deeks that is not the case. Sanchez began supplying a small terrorist group in Yemen. They were led by a man named Omar Attar. We, um, we underestimated Attar."<br>_Here it comes_ she thought.  
>"Underestimated how?" Sam asked.<br>Lucas paused for a second. Kensi could tell he was hesitating, something she had never seen him do. Lucas was a jump in headfirst kind of guy. Seeing him so unnerved was only adding to her nerves.  
>"Attar was responsible for a couple of low-level bombings that only resulted in the death of a few people. He used cheap materials and had sloppy workers, so he wasn't really a threat."<br>"Until he was." Callen said. _Man nothing gets by that guy.  
><em>" We-  
>"Not we. The agency." Kensi suddenly jumped in. Everyone looked at her then, and she could feel her face grow warmer. She knew she needed to get a grip if she was ever going to survive this case.<br>"Right. The agency. " Lucas was giving her a concerned look. Damnit, she hated concerned looks.  
>"The agency decided to lay low and see what he did next. Instead of taking out Sanchez they thought it would be best to follow him, gather surveillance until we could figure out who some of his bigger buyers were. "<br>"So you basically decided to do nothing." Kensi winced at the accusatory tone in Callen's voice.  
>"It wasn't our call to make." She said. Callen didn't look at her. This was what she was afraid of.<br>" We knew that Sanchez had some high-security risk buyers, but we didn't know who they were. But then Attar changed the game. A large shipment of C4 was coming in, so we sent agents to tail it. They were ambushed in the desert, and they both died. We didn't know who had bought the C4 or what they were going to use it on." After this Lucas paused again. The entire team, even Hetty, was looking at her like she was going to freak out again. To prove her mental stability, or to at least fake it, she picked up the story.  
>"Until a school complex was bombed in Israel. 112 people died that day, most of them children. Attar was quick to accept blame for the attack, and we realized the extent of his power."<br>"So the CIA decided to let an arms dealer continue selling guns and bombs to terrorists, and a psychopath used those weapons to kill children?" Sam's voice was rising until he was almost yelling.  
>"It was the right call to make! No one knew that Attar could ever be capable of that."<br>"It was a horrible attack that was no one's fault but the attackers." Hetty, ever the peacemaker.  
>"Why do I feel like this isn't the end of the story?" Deeks asked. Normally Kensi admired Deeks for his skills, but right now she just wanted to get out of here. For a moment, the memories of that horrible day threatened to overwhelm her.<p>

_There were so many children, so many of them that Kensi could hardly see the ground through them. Children crying, children screaming, children bleeding. Children with bloodstained sheets pulled over them. It took all her resolve just to stand up. After a second she came back to her senses and started searching for Lucas. He had called from Tel Aviv, where he was coordinating with Mossad to find that missing batch of C4 Sanchez had sold.  
>"Kensi, we found the C4"<br>"That's great! Who bought it?"  
>"We don't know that yet. What we do know is that it was just used to blow up a school in Tel Aviv."<br>Kensi had flown in from Yemen to help him, but now she wasn't sure how much she could help. She had never seen so much destruction in her life, and that fact that is was children just made her blood boil. They had nothing to do with Pakistan's fighting with Israel. They were just trying to go to school. Suddenly she spotted Lucas's CIA jacket through the crowd. She slipped through the masses, completely unnoticed through all the pain and suffering around her.  
>"Lucas! What the hell is going on here? Who did this?"<br>When he turned to meet her she could see absolute despair written across his face. He didn't look angry, like Kensi felt. He looked beaten, and it scared her to see him like this.  
>"What's wrong?" She asked, realizing it was a stupid question to ask in the middle of this chaos.<br>"Someone has taken responsibility for this attack."  
>"So who is it?"<br>He took his time answering, almost like he was stalling. Finally he answered, confirming her worst nightmares.  
>"Kensi, it was Attar. Attar killed all these children."<br>_

Kensi snapped back to the present with a snap. She realized everyone was staring at her again, with those goddamn concerned looks.  
>"Hey Kens, are you sure you're alright?" Deeks asked. For some reason, that simple question threatened to undo her. All day she had been fighting this, fighting memories that threatened to take her back to that horrible year in the desert. So she did what she did best: avoided the question.<br>"You're right Deeks, that's not the end of the story. Attar became an international security risk that day. We tried to find him afterwards, but his entire operation had gone off the grid. He was completely untraceable. For weeks the trail threatened to go cold, until there was another attack."  
>"An office building in Dubai was bombed, killing 32 people." Lucas added.<br>"In Dubai? That seems like a long ways away from Tel Aviv." Callen asked.  
>"I know! Which is why we had such a difficult time believing it could be him until we realized he had used some of the C4 from the original shipment he had bought to bomb the building."<br>" Why would a Yemeni terrorist bomb a school in Tel Aviv and then an office building in Dubai? That doesn't make any sense." Sam wondered.  
>"He wanted to make a statement." Kensi said. "He wanted everyone to know that they should be afraid of him and his group. "<br>"I guess it worked." Deeks said. "So how do you know that his nutjob is back?" Kensi and Lucas shared another look. He nodded at her, almost like he was asking if she was ok to tell the story. In response she squared her shoulders and continued.  
>"Attar had a few displeased American Marines working for him. The Marines that were killed by Sanchez were some of them. So is Benjamin Holton. Each man was required to get a tattoo of a crescent moon and star on their wrist."<br>"The symbol of Islam." Sam added.  
>"Benjamin Holton and the other Marines were killed because they crossed Sanchez. Instead of supplying for him they began to supply to Attar. Sanchez didn't know where they were getting premium weapons for Attar, hence the torture wounds."<br>"He was conducting an interrogation." Callen said.  
>"Yes he was." Lucas said gravely. "If Benjamin Holton was working for Attar, it means he is planning something again. And since Holton was killed in America rather than overseas like the others, it means he has an American target."<br>"Do you think that he's planning another bombing?" Eric asked. Suddenly Hetty joined the conversation.  
>"You better pray he isn't Mr. Beal. Because if he is, then more people are going to die."<br>Please review! Ill love you forever! :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi there again! So I'm updating two days in a row, thats got to be a record! I felt bad for leaving the story hanging for as long as i did, and so I'm making an effort to stay on top of it more!ALso i promise that the action will pick up from here, now that most of the mystery has been revealed. Also, i havent mentioned this before, but i have no beta, so all mistakes gramatical or otherwise are mine. Please feel free to point out any mistakes, but do it nicely please! :) Now, on with the case! **

It was finally all out in the open. Well, most of it anyway. _And I haven't been struck by lightning yet_, she thought sarcastically.  
>"So now that Attar's operation is up and running again, how are we going to stop him?" Callen asked the question that everyone had been wondering. Unfortunately, Kensi knew exactly how they were going to stop him, and it was definitely not a desirable option.<br>"The easiest way would be to send someone in, to figure out what the target is and then bring down the operation.  
>" Yeah Sam, but this guy is going to be very suspicious of anyone in his group, much less some new guy trying to get in to his operation. There's no way he'd buy anyone trying to get in now." Suddenly Lucas cleared his throat.<br>"We actually already have someone in with Attar, or at least someone who was."  
>"So who is it?" Deeks asked. Kensi looked down, wishing for a diversion. Anything to stop this case from happening again, to stop everything from happening again. But of course she couldn't stop it, just like she couldn't stop it all those years ago.<br>"Well? Who is it?" Sam was getting impatient. Suddenly Kensi felt like an idiot for being so nervous. It was just a case, just an op. She had done a hundred of these and had been fine every time. What made this one so special? Of course, deep down she knew why this case was so hard for her, but right now all she could do was put on a brave face.  
>"It's me. The agent in with Attar is me." She could see shock written across everyone's faces, except for Hetty and Lucas.<br>"I'm going to have to go in again. It's the only way to stop him from taking out more people."  
>"What? No way. This guy is insane. There's no predicting what he'd do, and we don't even know if you're cover is blown." Of course it was Deeks. Kensi had avoided thinking about him this whole time. In general, Kensi was not someone who shared many personal details about her life. But Deeks had found his way through the cracks in her armor better than anyone else had, even Lucas. He would take it personally that she didn't tell him about such a big part of her life, and what if he found out about her and Lucas? She wasn't really even sure what she felt about that yet.<br>"This is the only option we have right now. Attar could strike any day now, and we have absolutely no idea where he's going to do it." Lucas said.  
>"It's too dangerous!"<br>"Hey! I can take care of myself Deeks, you know that. I'll be fine." He gave her that look she knew so well, the one that said he saw right through her façade. The others were looking at him too.  
>"Mr. Deeks, none of us are particularly fond of this idea. But Agent Brady is correct. This is the only option. Now, Mr. Blye, could you brief your team on your cover?"<br>"Um, yeah sure." All of a sudden she was back, back to that hot day in Sana'a, learning about her mission for the first time along with her team.

_For one of the first time in Kensi's life she was nervous. She was nervous to open the door and talk to Lucas, because he had seemed so upset over the phone. She settled down outside his temporary office while she waited for him to return from his meeting. And she sweated. She had been in Yemen for almost a month, but she still wasn't used to how damn hot it was there. And there was no foreseeable end to her stay here. Lucas had made it clear that they were staying until they figured out who Martin Sanchez was supplying too.  
>"Oh Hi Kensi, sorry about that meeting."<br>"No problem Lucas. So what's up? You sounded pretty tense on the phone." Kensi was now seated across from Lucas, who was busying himself by looking down at all his papers. She was pretty sure he was stalling. Not for the first time since reciveing this phone call, she wondered if it had anything to do with their relationship. She knew what they were doing was wrong and that she would get fired if anyone found out, but she just felt so good with Lucas. He made her feel good, both physically and mentally.  
>"We have a development. You remember Omid Attar?" The name sounded vaguely familiar to her, until it hit her.<br>"The guy who set off the faulty car bomb at Thareer Square?"  
>"Exactly. Attar runs a terrorist group that has been buying from Sanchez a lot recently. Since we can't get anyone in Sanchez's operation, he's too careful, we've decided to send someone in with Attar."<br>"That makes sense. Get close to Attar, get close to Sanchez. Get close to Sanchez, find out who his bigger clients are. So what does that have to do with me?" Now Lucas looked upset again. Kensi felt a knot tie in her stomach. _He can't possibly be saying what I think he's saying_ she thought.  
>"The person that was chosen by the agency is you, Kensi." She felt the knot tighten.<br>"Me? I'm a rookie! Why on Earth would they choose me to infiltrate a terrorist group?"  
>"You're the only agent here besides me that speaks Yemeni Arabic, you have experience with Attar and his group, and you've been working this case for almost a month. I guess they felt that outweighs your inexperience." For a minute, Kensi allowed herself to be nervous, like any normal person would be. But the next minute, her normal excitement returned. <em>My first undercover assignment_.  
>"Of course, if you don't think you can handle it, we can try something else." Indignantly, Kensi looked up at him.<br>"I can handle it! What's my cover?" For a second Lucas just started at her, then he shook his head and handed her a file.  
>"You're insane, you know that right?"<br>"Of course I know that. It's one of many things you love about me." She said, giving him a smirk. He rolled his eyes and opened his copy of the case file.  
>"Your name is Adila Kassab. You were born in Sa'da, to goat farmers. You grew up dissatisfied with the poverty and illiteracy around you, and moved to Sana'a to get a job. There you joined an underground movement protesting Yemeni government and became very, shall we say, active.<br>"And by active, you mean violent."  
>"You have quite the reputation in the Yemeni resistance world for getting the job done Ms. Kassab." Kensi smiled.<br>"So my cover isn't so different from the real me." At that Lucas grew serious again.  
>"Kensi you know that once you become Adila Kassab, you can't be Kensi Blye. Attar is going to be suspicious of a new comer, even one as legit as you. You're going to have to watch your back at all times."<br>"Lucas I know. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine." Lucas frowned at her. Of course she was lying. She had no idea how this mission would turn out. But she knew that it better if Lucas wasn't worrying about her the entire time.  
>"Hey. I'm serious here. They wouldn't give me this mission if they thought it was too dangerous. I can handle this Lucas."<br>"I know you can." _

"You speak Yemeni Arabic?"  
>"Really Deeks? That's your first question?"<br>"Is there actually anything you can't do?"For a second, they were back to the banter they had always shared. That was good. As long as they stayed there, she wouldn't have to talk about anything serious.  
>"All things considered, your cover seems pretty solid Kensi. I don't see any problems occurring with you getting back into Attar's operation." Callen remarked. <em>Perfect<em> she thought. She had been counting on her cover not being intact anymore. The team was looking around at each other, seeming pleased, or at least no longer angry, at her going undercover. If only they knew the whole story. But Lucas didn't even know the full story, and she was hell-bent on keeping it that way.  
>"But wait, if you were in with his operation, how come you didn't know about the bombing in Tel Aviv?" Sam asked.<br>"Aparenltey he had already planned that attack before Kensi went in. He claimed he needed her help planting a bomb in the Suq al-Milh, one of the busiest places in Sana'a."  
>"What does that mean?" Deeks asked.<br>"What does what mean?" Lucas asked him.  
>"Suq al-Milh."<br>"Salt Market." Kensi answered.  
>"Well, now that we are all briefed on the mission, I suggest we go downstairs and begin preparing. The sooner Ms. Blye goes undercover, the sooner we can find out about Attar's plan." Hetty said. As everyone filed out the door, Deeks fell into step with Kensi.<br>"Are you sure you're ok with this?"  
>"I don't exactly have a choice do I?" She snapped, irritated at her partner for prying. But of course he wasn't prying, just trying to make sure she was alright.<br>"I'll be fine. I just really want to take down Attar." She softened. Deeks still didn't look convinced. She knew he didn't really believe she was fine, just like all the other times she had used that answer.  
>"So how come you never told me about all of this?" She froze. There was no way she wanted to have this conversation right now. She was saved from answering by Callen, who had some more questions on Attar.<br>"We have to go prep for the case."  
>"Fine. But we are having this conversation one way or another. Something else is going on here. "<br>_Just what I had been afraid of._

_**BTW, Sana'a is the largest city and the captial of Yemen. Tahreer Square is where several protests have been staged including the Arab Spring movement. Review Please! :)**_


	6. Chapter 6

**Remember me? yeah... I said I would update faster and clearly that didnt work out! I really have no excuse except for that I really am super duper busy all the time. :) So I am not going to promise to update _quickly,_ since we all saw how that worked out last time, but I will promise to update _eventually_! Hopefully in the near future! :) I'm going to stop talking now and let you read...**

**Disclaimer: I kinda forgot about this... in case that wasnt obvious I dont own any of this**

Kensi managed to avoid her partner for pretty much the entire briefing. She had been Adila Kassab for so long that she didn't need to pay very much attention; her mind was free to wander.

Deeks was a problem. She didn't want to admit it, but he was. Somehow he had managed to work his way into her thoughts, and though she didn't like to admit it, sometimes her fantasies. The tension between them had existed from the moment they met each other, undercover after that boxer had been murdered. It was easy to ignore at first, but it started to grow, up to the point where sometimes it was hard to even be in the same room as him. The urge to just run up and kiss him senseless was getting to be a bit of a distraction, and Kensi did not need any more distractions. _But those blue eyes, and the smell of salt water when he came in from his morning surf, hair still dripping wet…_

"Kensi?"  
>Callen's voice startled her so much she jumped; the team looked at her with concerned expressions.<br>"Hm? Sorry, I didn't quite catch that."  
>"You and Lucas are going to have to go in tonight, or tomorrow at the earliest."<br>"Ok, that's fin- wait. Me and Lucas?"  
><em>Uh oh.<em>

Hetty spoke up. "Mr. Brady and I thought it a good idea if you had some backup this time. He will be going in as your fiancé, named Malik Said. Malik Said is a businessman with some, less-then presentable deals in the making."  
>"Seriously? I don't need any help."<br>Deeks rolled his eyes and stepped up.  
>"Ok, so I clearly don't know everything about this case, but obviously something happened last time, something bad. So maybe it would be a good idea to have someone covering you."<br>Sam and Callen nodded, silently agreeing with their liaison officer.  
><em>Sure! Anyone but Lucas. <em>Going in as a couple was not going to end well, just like the real thing didn't end well. But she was clearly outnumbered, and asking for someone else would mean explaining her reasons why. With a resigned sigh, she gave in.  
>"Fine, I guess."<br>"Excellent! You and Mr. Brady have some time to prepare. There is a party tonight, one that several suspected arms dealers are attending. There's a possibility that some of Attar's suppliers will be attending, so it is your job to get in with as many people as possible. Good luck, and I will see you, Ms. Blye, for wardrobe at 4:00 sharp."  
>With a probing look, Hetty turned around and headed back to her office. Sam and Callen decided to head to the shooting range to get in some practice, so that left Kensi, Deeks, and Lucas.<br>_Awkward. _

"Can I talk to you for a second?" She asked Lucas. Might as well get it over with now so she didn't have to deal with it later.  
>"Sure."<br>She caught Deeks's look as they walked out, and gave him what she hoped was a reassuring smile.  
>She kept walking until she found a small corner, tucked away from the rest of the office.<br>"So…" Lucas started, a tiny smile on his face. Somehow, it felt like he was making fun of her, like he was patronizing her like he used to do when she was just a probie.  
>"This isn't funny Lucas. We can't go in together, you know that."<br>"Why not? I find we work very well together."  
>His smile got bigger, and he leaned in as if to kiss her.<br>"No way. You don't get to leave me with no explanation, no contact for almost 7 years, and then show up and act like we can pick up where we left off."  
>The smile dropped from his face and he stepped back. She had made him angry.<br>_Well good! He deserves it. _  
>"I told you Kens, I was undercover. I couldn't have contact with you, it wasn't safe."<br>"You were undercover for seven years? I don't think so."  
>"Well you had changed! After the whole mess with Attar was over you were different around me, like you were worried I would disappear or something."<br>"You did disappear!"

_The dreams were the worst .Coming back from Yemen, from what she was forced to do, was much harder than she thought. Most of the time she could handle it, especially when she thought of all the lives she had saved by doing it. But at night the dreams came uninhibited. Dreams where she couldn't fight back, couldn't do anything as Attar killed Lucas, killed her mother, killed her. Most of these dreams ended in screaming. But Lucas was always there to comfort her in the night, and it always calmed her down enough to fall back asleep. But he was changing too. He knew there was something she wasn't telling her, and it was taking a toll on their relationship. But today was something she hadn't expected. He had been upset all day, avoiding her and talking on the phone a lot. So when she confronted him, she expected to hear something about an affair, or even just a difficult day at work. She was definitely not expecting to hear what he did say.  
>"I need to go undercover. It's pretty long-term, so I don't know when I can be back. And there's no contact allowed."<br>Before she even had a chance to process what he was saying he was out the door._

Kensi realized she was shouting and lowered her voice. The anger coursing through her was familiar. She had felt it when the MP's told her that her father was dead, and again when she woke up Christmas morning to find Jack gone. It returned again when Lucas told her he had to leave, and even when Dom was shot on that roof. It was more than anger, it was betrayal, and hurt, and loss. And it made her feel weak.  
>"Look Kensi, I'm sorry. But you there was something you weren't telling me about the Attar case, and I need to be able to trust you."<br>She felt her temper rise again, but as quickly as it came it died down again. He was right. Again. But the only person likely to know the whole story was Hetty, and that was only because she knew pretty much everything. He didn't need to know what she had done to keep him safe, to keep everyone safe.  
>"I know. I'm sorry too. Can we just… can we just put all this aside until after the mission? I really need my head clear for this."<br>Again with the concerned look. She was starting to feel like one of the victims they saw every day, like someone who had to be protected. Kensi Blye did not need protection from anyone.  
>"Sure Kensi. Are you absolutely sure you can handle this?"<br>Was she? Normally she would have snapped back an 'I'm fine' and walked off, but she wasn't sure this time.  
><em>Am I ok?<br>_But as quickly as it came, her moment of self-doubt vanished. She squared her shoulders and looked Lucas in the eye, hoping to convey some sort of confidence.  
>"I'm good."<p>

4:00 found Kensi exactly where she was supposed to be: in wardrobe. Hetty had lain out several evening gowns out for her to try on, but none of them seemed to be working. Hetty clucked her tongue gently as she came out of a monstrous closet holding two more dresses.  
>"More? How many evening dresses do you have anyway?"<br>"That, my dear, is impossible to determine."  
>A smile ghosted across her face, but it didn't last long. Hetty pursed her lips, laying the dresses down on a chair nearby.<br>"I sense something is bothering you Kensi, and I don't think it's the dresses' fault."  
>Kensi sat down, completely suddenly extremely tired. Had it only been this morning that they had walked in on the bloody mess in Benjamin Holton's room?<br>"Hetty, I don't know if I can do this."  
>Saying the words made her feel dirty, like she had just said something wrong.<br>"I'm guessing the problem does not lie with going undercover."  
>"It's everything! It's Lucas, and it's Attar and-" here she stopped. |<p>

Hetty paused for a moment before standing up and disappearing into the closet again. She was only in there for a minute before she came out with another dress, this one less showy than the others.  
>"I think I know exactly what the problem is. Those dresses show too much! After all, we don't want you to end up dating these men, and this will keep you from attracting too much, unwelcome attention."<br>The wave of relief that washed over her then was so strong that she couldn't speak for a moment. It was amazing the way Hetty always seemed to know what to do in these situations. For some reason the idea of trying to be sexy tonight, standing next to her ex-boyfriend and hunting down the man she hated most in the world, was just too much. After all, being too pretty was what got her into the first mess.  
>"Thank you Hetty."<br>"No problem dear! Now get dressed, tonight is going to be difficult as it is. We should get started soon!"

Confidence renewed, Kensi stepped into the dressing room to get changed. She could handle undercover work, she always had been able to. But all she had to do was think about Lucas, and then he in turn made her think about Deeks. Then she thought about pretending to be dating Lucas again, and Deeks having to listen to the whole thing.  
>Oh yes, tonight was going to be fun.<p>

**Confused yet? :) It will eventually make sense I promise. Sometimes these things work out better in my head than on paper though, so if you are a little lost I would be glad to help you out :) Please please review! :) I'll love you forever! :)**


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